Who do you think you are

Those who know me know that I have been struggling with a lot lately. I have spent the last seven months in therapy evaluating my worth, living through terrible memories and facing traumatic issues. And most of this has been a self-inflicted series of exhilarating highs crashing to devastating depression. It was to the point I thought I was bi-polar. Why would any sane person pay to do this to themselves? I started because I wanted to get rid of the constant pain I am in from a debilitating illness. I knew something was missing, something was not complete. I wanted to have a life not filled with constant fear. I wanted something and even now, with all my research, I still cannot figure out what this THING is that I am searching for. And every time I think I have it figured out, it slips out of my hands. It is nebulous as a cloud.
But the good news is I know what I am not and that is my past. That was huge for me to understand. It was enormous to be rid of the baggage I have been carrying for years. Sadly, I thought I would go through all this metamorphosis and pouf; out would come out a perfect butterfly. No way. I am realizing that I am fully in ecdysis, shedding the useless shell making me soft and vulnerable. The being that is yet to be is still being developed. The shell has not hardened.
I spend a lot of time reading, studying and listening to podcasts. I heard one today that rankled me, only because it hit home. It was Carolyn Mass and she asked the question, “Who do you think you are?” Her talk was on entitlement and passing on suffering when people hurt us. The talk was interesting and it was on the idea of not subjecting people who harm us with retaliatory nastiness. But that was not what has been floating in my head. It was her question about “who do you think you are?”
It struck me that this is my dilemma. I cannot answer that question comfortably and authentically. I do not know who I am. For too long, I have been allowing other people to define me. First my parents and family tried to define me, and I never reached their standards, and then by friends and then by the men in my life. All were quick to point out faults so loudly that I never could hear my own voice telling me of my successes. I still struggle daily with the old pattern of trying to please; only to be disappointed which makes me turn on myself more.
When I first heard the question, “who do you think you are?” I got a feeling of insufficiency. “What makes you think you are good enough?” This is a question I have never been able to answer. But I need to, we all do. Because we are all good enough. We are entitled. All of us! We are supposed to have full and rich lives, defined by the individual. What makes you happy may not bring me joy. Our successes are as independent as our breaths. We just need to figure out what it is that will sustain and fulfill that need.
So the next steps in my journey are to figure out what it is that will become me. I have entertained going back to school, but I realized after some words of wisdom from my guide, that I am using a degree to define something I already am. Will having PhD make me any more credible than I am now, if I don’t believe in myself to start with? I realized after some honest thinking that I am trying to prove something; a costly endeavor that may not prove anything more than how foolish I am to think that it would. I know I am in an environment where I am not credentialed by their standards. So, maybe being in this environment is wrong, maybe it is not me.
We live in a world of sound bites and nanoseconds. I have no patience and I always want things fixed instantly. I have been going full barrel into this journey like an out of control car. I have hit speed bumps and pot holes and I am bruised and tired. I realized as I sat in the sun today after a long dull winter, that I needed to give myself a gift, a reward of a kind. When I doubt that this experience has been worth it, just this realization alone demonstrates it success. I need to give myself some time to get used to me, and then let what is supposed to happen, happen.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Who do you think you are

  1. your words have embraced me, soothed the worn out child who lies within. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your place in the world.

    • Welcome and I hope you add you own blog. It is very easy and I can help you if you want.
      Your words of support encourage me to continue and I am grateful. I think very highly of you so it is an honor. Thank you.
      Jane

Really would like your input.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s