Face Plants

If falling on your face in the dirt deposits seeds for growth then someday I will have the most beautiful abundant garden.
I am going to share some of the trials and trepidations I have faced recently. My reasons are not to whine, but maybe someone who reads this might find some solace in knowing they are not alone. There is something I could use tonight. I need a hug. As I sit at the computer night is more than half over and most are asleep. I am lonely, but long for no company. I have the empty pit feeling in my gut as I search for the elusive resolve of something that my mind knows there is no resolve. Because there is nothing more than what is here right now. I am so weary of what seems to be an endless journey and yet I know I have to stick with it.
I had the shit kicked out of me this week. People were not nice to me. And I experienced great fear induced from things beyond my control. The understanding of the science behind flight, fight and freeze and why I react does not console me tonight. The comprehension of it all actually makes me feel like the child who has misbehaved and knows they are going to “get it”. I know it is coming. It is not the first time I have had this disheartening experience. I have been having it coupled with all the demons I am facing for months. The depth is not as deep as the wounds are healing. I know….I KNOW…. it is part of the journey. And so I write about it so that others may know when they experience it they are not alone and that it is ok. I am putting out my shaky hand to hold yours. In turn, you will steady mine.
The hardest part is to agree to that this is what living in the present moment brings sometimes. When I started writing this blog, I envisioned it to be more light-hearted. But this is serious stuff. Being in the present moment includes desperation, sadness, fear and anger. I have had a lot of anger this week. I have not been a very nice person to be around. But it is a moment, and it too shall pass. I have to value the depression. I must feel it. It is life.
In all honesty, I thought that when I “became enlightened” that the world would be full of joy and wonder all the time. Picture Disneyland in Sedona. Tonight, I cannot hide my disappointment in the fact that all there really is: is! And sometimes, the day just sucks.
This is not to say there has not been joy in the past days either. My elucidation here is that both can be come and go. But just for the moment. I wonder if it is just easier still for me to hold on to the sad. It is the cloak I have worn for so long, there is some comfort in it. But I really would like to throw it out.
Today I read a book about another person’s journey. It was filled with descriptors and verbiage from ancient script. There are a lot of books out there like that. They often have sentences that wind around themselves with multiple twists and turns. They confuse me and I wonder if that is to make the author sound more mystic than they really are. Non-duality in double talk: the irony.
So fellow travelers, let me describe how my journey has been. I hope it might help you to see that what you may be feeling is ok. Each of us will have our own story. For months, I circled in the sky as a broken down airplane. It had no landing gear and the skin of the plane was thick and heavy. The fuel gage indicated almost empty. There were times when I flew through huge thunderstorms with lightening bouncing off the fuselage. The circling continued for months in erratic patterns. Finally the plane slowed and began its descent often only to crash and bounce back to the air. This pattern of decent and becoming airborne continued for a while. Somewhere along the flight, I obtained landing gear, but as fate would have it, fog rolled in. As I approached the landing strip, someone turned off the lights. I was flying blind. Currently, most of the fog has cleared from the run way, but there are holes, divots and trenches and mud. Oh, lots of mud. I admit to you, I am sore from all the bumps and my tires are flat. Maybe right now, my fuel tank is a bit low, too.
But I think I am getting closer to the end of my flight as I approach my destination. It is the destination will all are striving for. The sign on the door says all are welcome. The admission is being present in the moment and in being just me. I hope I have enough fuel because coasting in is not allowed.


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