W.A.T.E.R

As a young girl, one of the first books I ever read was about Helen Keller. She was my first hero. I loved the part where Anne Sullivan spells w.a.t.e.r. in her hand over and over until one morning it clicked. She understood w.a.t.e.r. was the cool substance running between her fingers. She understood language. For the first time she was connected. She ran from thing to thing touching and demanding that she learn the words. In the story, she finally reaches out to Anne and touches her face. Anne spells t.e.a.c.h.e.r. I cried every time I read it and every time I saw in a movie depiction. Connection and communication: so very powerful. I think I knew at an early age that I would be a teacher…..and I am.
In my last post I wrote about not understanding self-love. Those of us who are victims of sexual and mental abuse, it is a concept we never fully understand. I did not connect to the words self-love, self-acceptance and self-worth. I especially did not understand self-worth. And the more I sought it, the more elusive it became. I felt defeated and rejected which certainly did not help my cause.
Speaking for myself as a victim of over fifty years of abuse, trying to find my way in the world required me to grow very thick skin; literally and physically and metaphorically. I also developed a skill to present myself as whatever character is required on stage at the time. This “gift” is great for a school teacher. But for someone who wants to learn to be authentic and real, it is not so good. It is a hiding mechanism.
My guide is also my teacher on this journey. His guidance often includes small encouraging to correcting pieces of communication which often take time for me to assimilate. One such message came in regards to a reaction I was having to my therapy. This process of Associative Awareness Technique connects the body and mind and is a long but wonderful process that has many, many bumps, hills and valleys. I was face down. Splat! Something I have done many times in my journey.
I reacted to the anger I felt towards the situation in a manner I resort to often. I write. I have written pages and pages of reactions to the hurt and pain, frustration and also some joy of assessing and processing the memories of my life. Again, for me communication, even if it is to myself or just to my guide, is the way I need to connect, to be brave and heal.
The abject fear I had faced was only for a mere second. But it conjured up a memory so powerful that it brought me back to the real threat. And when I am threatened, even if it is my own threat, I pull up my armor and shield, I detach and I write. I was detached and like Sybil, one never knows who is going to be the author.
With the patience of a good parent, my guide simply responded with understanding and compassion that he understood; that he accepted who ever I was in the moment, but he preferred the me I protect.
P.r.o.t.e.c.t. was the word he used and it clicked. How can someone protect someone if they feel there is no worth in them? AND protect them with vengeance for years. And why would you protect someone if you did not truly accept them, dare say love them? P.r.o.t.e.c.t washed over me like the water coming out of the pump as it spelled in my hand. It is new connection and I am still getting used to it. I realize that I have been the best parent to a child who was abandoned and injured. Like a mother bear, I have protected my inner child, who is always with me. She still knows how to laugh and play. How is that possible?
It is wondrous.

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One thought on “W.A.T.E.R

  1. I love this it is so true!!! Your inner child is worth everything! She is worth protecting, loving, embracing and accepting because I think the inner child us just a young version of our soul’s authentic self.

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