The first steps:Stubbing your toe

Not what I thought this was going to be, this enlightenment stuff. I thought there was going to be so much more. Not that I am disappointed, but it would have been cool to have at least one bright flash of light or loud choirs of angels singing. Something! But it does not work like that. And I am still not sure what is supposed to happen. So I thought I would share my thoughts and see if anyone else feels like this. I look for feedback, so please share. After all, we are all in this together.
The one thing I found getting old does to you is scare the crap out of you. All of sudden and it is sudden, you realize you better figure out whether you are going to go out in a whimper and let your body wither, or you’re going to get you proverbial stuff together and live a full life. I was not prepared at all to experience all the changes and wonders that I have gone through in the past months. I do know that I want to share the experience only because it would have helped me so much to have someone that understood how exposed and vulnerable as I was/am. There are so many questions and I still do not have the answers I need. Seems that part of being “enlightened” is to keep the answers and tell the needy travelers who pull at your sleeve that they will find the answers within. You know what; that is a cop out. Yes it is a personal journey. But you need support and guidance. The most important thing this journey needs is a safety net. You fall and rise, struggle and limp and then fall again. There are those who sit in high security of being “enlightened” and look down from their mounts at those who are clawing their way through the mire. It does not have to be that way.
I am lucky to some extent. I started this journey to heal my body from painful arthritis and because I was dying. I will explain the dying part in a later post. What I found was more than I could have imagined. I have a good guide; no, I have an amazing guide. I also am in a very special physical therapy which opened the door for me. I will talk about this therapy, Associative Awareness Techniques, a lot.
I am not “enlightened”. I am not “awakened” either. I think it is more like stumbling out of bed and stubbing your toe. I am “aware”. Oh, am I aware. I am aware of feelings that have been buried for years. I have never cried as much as I have in the past months, but I have not loved as much either. I am aware of a body that had expanded beyond my control. I am aware (and this is the hardest thing to admit) how scared I am. I started to type that I live in fear, but I don’t as much anymore. And that is the gift of being AWARE. The fear is there, but it does not suffocate me to the point where I cannot breathe, at least not as often. The therapy is training my body to not react to fear all the time. My guide leads me to learn, to read and to study many authors, scientists, therapists, and spiritualists so I am knowledgeable and have the tools to grow strong. This is what this journey has given me, the strength to keep trying.
This is a place where I will share coming to grips with a life of physical, mental and sexual abuse. I will share my history as it is only a story for me now, and not who I am. I hope to give strength to others who need to let go yet honor their lives. I will share the many voices that have helped me survive. And I will rejoice with my words the many gifts that are to be shared along the way

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5 thoughts on “The first steps:Stubbing your toe

  1. so after crying through your writing I have come to the conclusion to restart a trip. I have started several times….I have decided this time it is a trip I have to take alone. for the first time! am I realy there I am not sure but I think i HAVE TO BE….the dreams came again and I think they are real now. I have always depended on some one else to change with me but this time I want to do it alone just for me. It has to be! May be then the dreams will change! You Jane rock! I am proud of you

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